Mind Control For Competitive Cycle Racing

Many of my regular readers probably think that the only psychological stance is to push for HARDNESS. While this is definitely the best thing sometimes, I have had to coach riders that have been too far from the road for too long.

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And I’m not against new technology either!! Use what works. 

So I had a group that had to pick up its performance..vital… the future of the team depended on them pulling some decent results.

I heard about chimp mind/gremlin mind stuff the Team Sky boys use. I came up with my own version.

So here’s what I did. Spoke to each rider. All very scientific-like asking questions. I even had a clipboard. In among a whole lot of other stuff I weasled out their greatest fear. 

Then while they were out I concealed special low frequency speakers near their individual beds. All hush-hush, even the people who lived with them didn’t know I’d been there.

Then from about 2am when they were deep asleep it would start at a low, low volume. “Those that you love will slowly be immersed in vats of acid but not allowed to die …… we WILL hunt you down….. BUT we are powerless if you win on Saturday.” It gets a bit gruesome from there in so I will spare you the details. Each one went for about 3 hours like that. Each threat ended with “BUT we are powerless if you win on Saturday.”

This went on for about a week and no-one knew I was on the job. I was taking them for training rides, people thought that was all I did. But if you’re going to do a job…..

Well, the day came and…RESULT!!!!!!! A BIG WIN!

Four riders in the top five!! Just about knocking each other off in the sprint they were so keen.

Sure, I’ll concede they looked jumpy but what do you expect from twelve year old's!


The Crank is the embodiment of archetypal cranky veteran bike riders, whose worn out bike riding stories are embellished each time they are recounted. Hard as nails The Crank is a devious scoundrel who rides roughshod over anyone who has the misfortune to meet him. This Crank story by John Caskey.