So all you bicycle riding fanatics think you're special, well you're only as special as what your local dog thinks you are. Not much. Have you ever asked why that dog at the end of your street chases you and how to put a stop to it. I did and I came up with some answers, it all starts with dog training, you have to tap into dog psychology.

A few weeks back I hit the jackpot, a family moved in at the top of the street with a mongrel that needed training. This dog hated cyclists so much he was perfect to experiment with. I was riding home from the pub, after knocking a blokes top teeth out in the Sunday afternoon brawl. Next thing this dribbling mongrel takes a run at my front wheel, I gave him a few good hits with the Zefal pump before he took my front wheel out.  Then it was on, I boxed him round the ears, knuckles still bleeding from the brawl. Eventually a boot to his nuts sent him whimpering under the house.

Any kid or adult in the neighborhood pretty quickly found out why that dog was called Randy, and it wasn't long before Randy decided to mark out his territory. This is when the deposits started to pile up in my front yard. Deposits of the brown kind.

An electric fence was the answer to both problems. I rigged up an electric fence around the perimeter of the yard, not to stop the dog from entering but to entice it. I got Royce the butcher to find a piece of his best chump steak, Royce always said this was his best steak and who could argue, he was the expert.

Next I tied Royce's prime chump meat onto a piece of wire and coiled the other end of the wire around the electric fence, just at the front of my driveway. Left it dangling and turned the fence on, now all I had to do was wait.

Like clockwork at 4.00 pm Randy came to make his deposit, wrapped his jaws around the steak, when the electric jolt went straight through his skull he ran sideways like a crab and slammed into the tin shed across the street. His brain numbed senseless by the electric pulse.

I'd thought of reinforcing the lesson so later rode past Randy's house a couple of times holding out a piece of meat tied to a string. He'd just hide under the house. After that I didn't need the meat on a string, he never chased a cyclist again.

Thankfully man is more humane these days and cruelty to animals has been reduced. Look at the advert below from 1890 when it was legal to kill a dog for chasing you down. We can't do that these days. Back then the way to "convince" a dog not to chase you was to squirt a good dose of Dog Paralyser in it's face. Now we have to revert to good old dog psychology. Stay shiny side up.

ABOUT THE CRANK BY JOHN CASKEY
The Crank is the embodiment of archetypal cranky veteran bike riders, whose worn out bike riding stories are embellished each time they are recounted. Hard as nails The Crank is a devious scoundrel who rides roughshod over anyone who has the misfortune to meet him. This Crank story by Robert Cobcroft.